It seemed so simple. I had already moved from a depressed state to a state of neutral (feeling even, smiling but not laughing, enjoying things but not rejoicing), so I figured it wouldn’t be too hard to find my joy – to feel the bubbling, to want
Fire Fairy
to dance with my kids, to start a game of tag, to find my lips in a natural state of curled up rather than straight across. I proved my sincerity in finding joy by declaring it was my word for the year (at least that’s what I railed in my head when yelling at the Universe). And then, I felt like I was running into a brick wall again and again, feeling less than neutral – angry and frustrated.
Things were tugging on me, pain from the past, frustration with current relationships that had baggage. These had been my reality for so long, and I didn’t fully appreciate how they were bringing me down every minute of everyday, nor did I know how to stop it. I understood what I needed to do. I needed to forgive and let go, but how to do it in a way that didn’t feel forced? in a way that felt authentic? and kept me intact?
My first steps were when our angel, Sparkle Fairy, linked me to her post about forgiveness. Finally, I found a way that felt right to ME. Forgiving at a soul level, acknowledging that we had agreed to this before coming Earthside, that there was a reason. It made sense, and allowed me to forgive and accept the actions and the person without saying that it was ok, without losing me and my dignity. The funny thing is, it is now ok. This winter I wrote about my horrific therapist who went far outside of the bounds of how therapists should behave. He tore me up deeply, and I kept on reliving the horror. With Sparkle’s suggestion I forgave him in a way I could understand, and you know what? I have truly released it. I keep on waiting for a trigger, and nada, and it’s been months. When I think of him, I have a gentle smile for him, and truly wish him well. That forgiveness was like magic, or like Grace.
A couple of weeks ago, I read Defy Gravity by Caroline Myss. She speaks so deeply to me. I am so thankful that I had Sparkle’s guidance under my belt already because I was open and ready. She talks about physical healing needing Grace in all of its forms, one of them being the Grace of Forgiveness. So, I started. I started to forgive those who I thought I couldn’t. I forgave the big and the little, truly not thinking of the end result for me, just feeling like it was time and listening to that quiet Voice in me directing me where to go. I was directed and forgave my father, all of those who’ve abandoned me – I forgave one by one. I forgave my son for the intensity of my pregnancy/birth, his babyhood. . . . and so many more.
I find myself quietly glowing, gently smiling for no reason other than just feeling lighter. The proof that I’ve been dancing more is that my little girl has started to pick up my moves, and my guess is that if they look as sweet, silly and adorable on her, well they must look amazing when I do it. : ) My patience is deeper, and I’m willing to engage my sweeties at a deeper level, because I have greater reserves.
My inner Voice is so much more apparent now. It is clearer and speaking up more, not hidden in doubt or pain.
On Friday, I was at a playground with my kids and some friends, and I saw a really cool 4 square set up, and thought it would be a great spot to invent a new form of tag. So I did. And with my ergo baby carrier off my shoulders, but still buckled at my hips, I played tag for the fun of it, jumped as far as I could get into the “safe” zones, zoomed around scooping up my little girl, laughing and I did it all not because it was good for me, but because I wanted to and it felt good.
I’ve begun to think that it just might be time to get myself a hula hoop. : )
Blessings to you, amazing women, for the support you give and the soul searching that happens here. May you continue to walk in or toward the path of Joy. I would love to hear your journey.
MEM:
Happy May1st! Happy Beltaine! (I almost wrote a post on the celebration of the beginning of summer, but heh, I didn’t )
My 5 year old is turning 6 tomorrow, so my inlaws are traveling up today. It is so nice to have them here. I’m going to have them surprise my older son and have them pick him up at art class this evening.
Rejoicing in abundance – On Sunday, at the checkout at the grocery store, I felt my familiar end of the month angst about needing food but worried about staying within budget. My Voice told me to ‘shh, relax, rejoice in the nourishment’ So, I am. I’m rejoicing in the amazing, nourishing food I have.
Tea – ahhh
It’s soccer day. I love watching my 5 year old take it seriously and be so proud that he can stop the ball.
Yay! I finally made my business cards and they are so delicate and beautiful. I keep on looking at them. .. and not just the top card, I keep on flipping through the box. lol.
Have a beautiful day filled with JOY!
